Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
