I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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