You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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