I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
