nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
