Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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