I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My life is pants optional.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
