...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
