I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
