there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
