I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
