We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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