you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Those nachos came to me in a dream
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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