jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
