Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC