i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.