Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.