i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket