My room smells like vodka and shame
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.