Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.