i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I deserve this hangover.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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