even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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