dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
