You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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