i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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