I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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