it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
