i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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