I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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