a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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