I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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