i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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