worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
