My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
