everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
