I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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