You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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