cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I won the penis lottery.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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