I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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