I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
