well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
