I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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