My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
