they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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