Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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