Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
