Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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