My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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