do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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