My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
