I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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