I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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