dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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