why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
