I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Randomize
