I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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