At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
