I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
