This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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