Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
